I got no sleep at all last night.
I have reached a complete mental, emotional, and procedural impasse.
I cannot ignore how little time I must have left for the fantasies Ray would likely continue to spit, if unhindered, faster than my Method could unravel.
No, my Method never fails; yet I have no choice now but to find ways to assert myself into its function instead of simply narrating its progress.
I must be more aggressive and direct with all my clients lest my life’s great work be rendered ultimately pointless.
I have established enough of a rapport with Ray, I believe, to begin asking the sorts of specific questions I really would have wanted to begin with.
My aim will be to never get derailed again from driving through only the most relevant details of his concrete, historical, real experience.
ME:
“I have two questions for you today: First, how did you lose your job?
“And then considering what you’ve said about the church, I want to know exactly what you would tell the pastor, other church leaders, or your former coworkers if you could tell them anything at all.”
I did not expect him to meet and match my new directness at first.
RAY:
“I couldn’t act the way they did anymore, not once I saw all the ironies and how people were being hurt.”
ME:
“But that job was your only source of income, no?
“And I’m guessing the church made up most of your social sphere?
“Did you have any friends outside the church?”
RAY:
“Well, I really just tried my hardest to be good, and be a good . . . y’know, employee. I tried to do whatever was expected. But I did have to . . . to lie.”
I recalled what he had said before about coming across as crazy due to a felt need to always lie.
Yet I was not quite ready to run alongside and jump that train just yet.
ME:
“When you say you couldn’t act the way they did anymore, you mean in what you’ve been telling me, right—the art, the culture . . . and lowly, regular people being used?”
RAY:
“Those things I saw in The City and Church were what hurt me, yes. But . . . but they weren’t why I had to lie.
“Okay, sorry… Let me start over again, real quick. I should have said this part from the beginning, before I…
“So, when I worked at The Church, my job was to answer questions from callers and anyone that wrote in . . . just questions about the Bible, or life, or whatever. And you know I worked there for years. So I did start to see the same sorts of things being asked again and again. But there were certain questions we really couldn’t answer because The Pastor didn’t have any . . . like, any messages or anything on those topics. I mean, I didn’t have a problem with that. It made total sense. He had his things he talked about, and we were there to represent him in everything we did.”
ME:
“Did you feel powerless at all—as though you were being held back from helping those who called or wrote?
“Did that make you angry?”
RAY:
“No, not at all. I wasn’t mad, I… Well, what it was is I noticed there were a lot of people out there who really just wanted someone to talk to. And it wasn’t about getting a good answer or whatever, but having someone to . . . to think out loud with, if that makes sense. Of course I knew that wasn’t my role at The Church. I couldn’t spend all day, um…
“Anyway, I really didn’t want to hurt The Church. Not at all. It was just… Y’know, it got be the time everyone started having iuns. And one day, using one of The Church’s iuns, I found a bunch of people having the same sorts of conversations I couldn’t have with those who called or wrote. So I joined in, like, anonymously. Then I went back the next day, and . . . yeah, it became a daily thing. I didn’t think anything would come from it. After a while, I started recording my conversations and putting them out in pieces for anyone to listen to. But the thing is . . . I was using The Church’s iuns to do it. And no one knew. I definitely never said anything about The Pastor or Church to anyone in any of my recordings. I knew I needed to keep those two worlds separate, out of respect, y’know?
“And then it got to where I’d be working on my recordings for hours every night. But since I was doing it at work, using The Church’s stuff, and saying things The Church wouldn’t say . . . that’s why I always had to lie.
“Wow, it just . . . it feels so good to . . . to finally admit all this.”
Ray’s face seemed to glow with a quiet joy.
ME:
“So you never told anyone at the church what you were doing?
“And you never mentioned the church in your recordings?”
RAY:
“Well…”
ME:
“Yes?”
RAY:
“The day before my last day at The Church, someone called. I mean, she called The Church, not me. I was there late, working on my stuff. But I must have left the work phones on, and… Anyway, when I picked up and said my usual, like, ‘Sea Breeze Faith, Ray speaking,’ her response was, ‘It’s you!’ I knew she must have recognized my voice from my recordings. So, I decided to have a little fun with her. I told her in this real spooky voice, something like, ‘This is the wrong way. Go back. You’re not supposed to be hearing this…’ I know that’s really dumb . . . just my zany sense of humor or whatever. But before I could say ‘just kidding’ or anything like that, she had already hung up. She was gone. I got so sad after that. It was like both my worlds had suddenly been thrown together for the first time, and I just felt so stupid, and immature, and… I hope I didn’t damage that lady. She’s just a person . . . someone like me, maybe, who thinks about the same sorts of things. I wish I’d told her the truth.”
ME:
“What truth?”
RAY:
“Well, working there at The Church was really how I… I mean, that’s what gave me my perspective, y’know? It’s what made me what I am. Really, I love The Church. And I think everyone would if…”
Though it quickly became clear Ray’s thought would stay unfinished, I sensed a massive, permanent victory looming beyond another final mere half-scuffle.
It was as if he had perfectly aligned himself like a tiny snowball at the top of a giant slope.
In terms of working with my Method more, I could already gleefully envision simply nudging him that last little bit further, over the edge.
ME:
“So, you learned everything you know.
“You saw everything you see.
“And you credit all of it to working there at the church?”
RAY:
“Yes.”
ME:
“Well then considering your comparison of the church to a growing empire, might other ‘slaves’ have likewise benefited in sacrificing to serve the church’s ends?
“In other words, how likely is it that other workers also discovered and developed their own skills . . . even identities . . . through their involvement?”
Ray kept still and quiet for a moment.
I made every effort to hide my delight at glimpsing the flash of awe that streaked across his glassy eyes.
RAY:
“I guess that is something really good about The Church, yes.”
ME:
“Would you agree, then, it might not be completely fair to call the church an uncreative environment?”
I don't know anything 