ME:
“Okay, let’s switch gears a little.
“I want you now to pretend I’m your former boss at the church.
“Talk to me the way you would talk to him if you could be free to say anything at all.”
Ray hesitated, which was no surprise.
Roleplaying works best when the client can be swept into it as suddenly as possible, like being yanked down into a freezing pool.
Otherwise, they might never fully enter if allowed to toe the icy water’s edge.
RAY:
“Um, Todd, you don’t . . . care what I think…? But, no… That’s not right. Not at all.”
ME:
“Put yourself there at the office.
“How do you feel?
“How am I, Todd, making you feel?
“What do you really want to say?
“Forget the consequences, Ray, for there are none.”
A flame-like twinkle crossed his eyes, which seemed to narrow in response.
RAY (to Todd):
“I’ll just keep trying until I die, right? Oh, I don’t believe the right way? Of course that’s . . . that’s easy. It’s easy to say I must have done it wrong, and just leave me here, where I’ve always been, alone. But then how come I remember all The Pastor’s messages? I mean, why do I have to be the one who can reduce them all like I do? You talk all day about the way each part is…”
Unfiltered anger was beginning to peak out and emerge at last like a chorus about to be belted in lyrics of exaggerated betrayal, yet one carried still in Ray’s trademark tones of steady hesitation and unknowing.
I am sure I need not spell out why such an awakening of raw emotion is exceptionally good.
For Ray, it means we have transcended sufficient layers of his mythological reimaginings to reach perhaps much of the bedrock underlying core—his reality.
Tactically, this juncture can now function as a checkpoint to return to quickly should the conversation ever again be clouded over by masking fantasies.
Ray trembled as if in shock after an explosion.
It was time to slow him down and back him up so as to properly examine the wild, hyperbolic embellishments that had just erupted out.
To that end, I would continue to play the part of Todd.
ME (as Todd):
“Would you say you were threatened by my personality?
“Or maybe by how I wanted you to see things?”
A moment passed as Ray’s breathing slowed until inaudible.
RAY (to Todd):
“I guess I always felt like you might be upset with me or something . . . like, you thought I should know what I was doing wrong. That’s all. But looking back, I think the way you saw it was more like we were just one step away from . . . from total anarchy at all times. I mean…”
I left space for Ray to complete or further explain his scattered thought, which he did not.
ME (as Todd):
“But what did I say or do to you to make you feel that way?
“Where, specifically, was I unreasonable?”
RAY (to Todd):
“I told you once I felt like I’d never really, y’know . . . never been given a real chance there at The Church.”
ME (as Todd):
“And how did I respond?”
RAY (to Todd):
“You said you wanted me to be free enough to… Well, you asked three questions: Um . . . what was I working on, what was frustrating me about it, and what solutions or steps did I think I should take. Then you asked if there was some reason I couldn’t be transparent. I was amazed by that.”
I quickly scribbled out and underlined the phrase “couldn’t be transparent.”
Yet I immediately grew somewhat enraged with myself for having missed until that moment the glaring connection between Ray’s felt need to hide his secret nightly activities and what his role at the church must have meant in terms of the overall impression he had given Todd and others.
In Ray’s own words, he knew all the pastor’s messages by heart.
In fact, his job had been to share those messages with all who called or wrote.
Of course his coworkers would have assumed he thought and believed as they did, at least for the most part, since he had essentially spent his days helping others think and believe that way.
How then must Todd and everyone else have interpreted Ray’s deep-seated unease and apprehension?
ME (as Todd):
“What was it like for you when the rest of us would talk about things like our beliefs and the way the church was going?”
Ray’s eyes doubled in size.
I purposed to keep my questions a tad more indirect so as not to threaten in the least our fabulous, sweeping momentum.
RAY (to Todd):
“I tried to be good and go along with it. But yeah, I probably seemed upset. And . . . and you wouldn’t have known why. I guess you might have thought I was just too afraid to speak up or join in conversations, maybe…? But no, you guys would be talking, and I’d be . . . be seeing the stuff I see.”
ME (as Todd):
“So, do you think it made sense for me to ask if and why you felt you couldn’t be transparent?”
RAY (to Todd):
“Yes.”
ME (as Todd):
“How did you respond to my three questions?”
RAY (to Todd):
“I went away and thought about it for a few days. Then I came back and told you I’d get really frustrated whenever someone came and stole my responsibilities . . . and, like, I shouldn’t have to fight to do my job. I told you I was mad I’d never been given a chance to do what I could . . . y’know, to be successful at The Church. I said I’d way rather be switched to something I could just . . . something I could work really hard at, but not have to think or care that much about. I mean, it hurt to see things the way I did, but couldn’t do anything to…”
ME:
“That’s excellent, Ray.
“What happened next?”
RAY (to Todd):
“You encouraged me to interact more, to try and find ways to show initiative, to ask mature questions instead of shutting down… You said those things would be good for me, and also good for The Church, especially if I felt like I had something to share that might be helpful. The last thing was you told me to think about how I’d want someone looking up to me to see me.”
I watched the dawning light of illumination continue to cross Ray’s quiet eyes in a series of twinkly flutters and bursts.
The remembered words, recited, were now confessions to himself.
I knew, as sure as ever, that this was it: Ray’s Sticking or Breaking Point.
I chose to keep silent, allowing him to piece together just how reasonable and kind Todd had been.
For the moment, my Method needed no further intervention on my part.
Ray’s exasperated mind, no doubt, was depicting countless scenes of his interpersonal shortcomings, faux paus, and callow misinterpretations through the years.
Yet although such insight always proves invaluable in terms of unravelling a distorted perspective, I knew my next move would be to gently guide Ray beyond his shame to a more helpful place of grounded intention and purpose.
Funnily enough, that seemed to have been Todd’s objective as well.
Recognizing what a limiting pattern says about oneself is only useful once it leads to forming new, better patterns.
My goal, essentially, became to shift our focus outward from Ray’s own personal world of specific regretful memories to the more abstract and conceptual—to ride with him the waves of his burgeoning understanding so as to help him reach a truly inescapable shift in perspective.
ME:
“That’s very good, Ray.
“Now, I want you to do something for me.
“I want you to imagine a certain kind of person, someone you know, who ruthlessly pursues their own interests.
“Imagine someone that goes after what they want with all they have.
“And tell me: What are some good qualities about that person?
“Try to think of several attributes you admire.”
RAY:
“That sounds like Carmen and Vin.”
ME:
“The mother and son from the raft?”
RAY:
“Yeah.”
ME:
“Ray, what was the raft, really?”
His mouth opened like a reflexive spring as if about to respond, but then slowly closed again and remained shut.
I decided not to press him.
This was hardly the time to double back to fantasy specifics.
ME:
“Never mind.
“Tell me about Carmen and Vin.”
RAY:
“Well, Carmen was my first boss at The Church, even when I started volunteering as a teenager. And I think she wanted, more than anything, just to be a really good Church ruler. I never knew back then why someone would do the sorts of things that… I mean, I wish I’d known. But rulers all end up acting the same way, like I was saying. I never knew she might really be afraid.”
ME:
“How did Carmen show she was afraid?”
RAY:
“Just little things . . . like she’d make a big show of changing our jobs at any moment, or jumping in and doing the work herself, like, to make sure we knew she could do it better.”
ME:
“And Vin?”
RAY:
“With Vin it was funnier . . . like he had to remind himself all the time to demand his own way . . . or to talk over everyone else, and… But really…”
ME:
“Yes, what is it?”
RAY:
“I mean, it’s sad how the rest of us blamed and hated them both so much. Some even got together later and made this big plan to… But even once Carmen and Vin were gone, nothing changed. And I think that’s the part I couldn’t handle, y’know . . . the thing I thought would make me crazy. How silly to get so mad at any rulers in The City for only doing what everyone’s always shown to do. Vin and Carmen . . . Todd . . . none of them are bad people. Not at all.”
A tear crested the corner of Ray’s right eye.
His face began to softly shudder.
I was overjoyed.
ME:
“What’s wrong, Ray?”
RAY:
“Oh, well… Maybe this is just the first happy irony I’ve seen in… I mean, to actually . . . like, catch myself upset for losing Carmen and Vin…”
He sighed aloud.
RAY:
“I was so arrogant back then. But how could I judge them? It definitely wasn’t like I was making any decisions, or…”
He simmered in silent thought for another moment, then carried on.
RAY:
“So, anyway, to your question: Those types of people get things done. And that’s something very admirable, since I know it’s not me.”
ME:
“What would you tell Vin?”
RAY:
“I wish I could tell him that . . . that I respect him.”
ME:
“What would you say was the hardest part about your time there, working at the church?”
RAY:
“Honestly, I don’t think I’m good with things on that kind of . . . professional level. I mean, there were so many young rulers like Vin, all with competing ambitions. And there were older people like Carmen . . . stuck, I guess, working systems that cost a lot to run but didn’t even make sense anymore.”
ME:
“What else would you want to tell them?”
RAY:
“Just I never realized how much I miss Vin and Carmen . . . and Todd, Mo . . . Jolie . . . everyone. They were good to me. They were who they were, of course. They were different from me. They didn’t see things the same way. Yeah, I got upset. And no, they wouldn’t have known why. But they let me do a job that was perfect for me. So, I’d want to thank them, I think, for…”
It truly felt as though Ray and I were crossing some sort of finish line together.
There is nothing so satisfying as to witness my Method at work.
Ray has seen himself, and what he has seen has stuck.
In whatever time we have left, we will return to examine as many of his Outlier fantasies as possible in order to uncover what each represents to him in reality.
I decided to begin where we had just concluded—the church—and attempt again to work our way outward from there.
ME:
“Would it be fair to say that many of the stresses you felt at work were . . . self-imposed?”
RAY:
“Yes. I mean, how I felt was never anyone else’s fault. I’m not against anyone there. Not at all.”
ME:
“Then let’s start to consider why you felt the way you did, and what caused you to experience most of those interactions as antagonistic and unfair.
“You see, people often adopt patterns of self-deception from childhood in order to hide from or account for some circumstance or feeling they find unbearable.
“Do you remember ever having that same experience as a child—feeling misunderstood, with untapped potential, and unable to be or show your true self?
“Did you feel that way when you left with Caylee?”
RAY:
“Yeah, I thought I was really different from everyone else back then, too.”
Now, notice the “switch” component of my bait-and-switch tactic, for it is the trickiest and most unpredictable of techniques to implement well at such a crucial point in session.
ME:
“And your life at work was never really as bad as it seemed, right?”
RAY:
“Right.”
ME:
“Well, what if the same holds true for your childhood?
“Maybe sit with that thought for a moment and imagine what it might mean.”
RAY:
“It would mean . . . I was bad…? Just like when I kicked that babysitter and . . . and lied about it. And . . . I used to . . . to kill little things . . . like nothing. But now I hate stuff like that. I mean, I’d never want to hurt anyone. Never…”
ME:
“It’s one thing to believe an unfair world is set against you.
“Yet how much more appalling the notion that it was never even true, and that your real problem all along was fear—fear of what you, yourself, might actually be.
“Ray, I could spend a lifetime’s worth of these sessions working to name each and every component of that fear, tying it all back to lists of handy terms and approximations for analysis.
“Yet such has never been my Method.
“Do you want to know the only real answer or solution—the one thing you can do now as you face such internal discrepancies within your own life’s narrative?”
RAY:
“Yes, whatever it is…”
ME:
“You already are.
“Your childhood was what it was for whatever reason.
“All you can do now is be the best adult you can be, which I know is exactly what you want to do and are doing.
“That’s why you’d never dream of hurting anyone.
“That’s why you hate injustice, inequality, and manipulation.
“That’s why you can so easily forgive those who hurt you, choosing to focus on their good intentions and ignorance, even to a fault.”
I stopped short.
Despite inclinations to the contrary, there is never any need to “go all motivational speaker” during (or post) a Sticking Point—leading the client to fervently repeat mantras before sending them out to make the world a shinier place, etc.
The seeds of Ray’s new understanding have been planted deep and taken root.
ME:
“How do you feel?”
RAY:
“Honestly, it’s like even 33 years of torture might be worth a single day with this peace I feel right now. Thank you. Thank you for what you do.”
So, that was our session today.
Strangely, I felt the urge to thank Ray there at the end just as he thanked me.
I had no context for my surge of sudden gratitude as it met with his vocal expression in bizarre tandem, like a shadow.
Yet, oddly, I had the strongest sense of such understanding coming—that the reason would catch up to me in the same way several facts regarding Todd, Carmen, and Vin had become apparent to Ray today as we spoke.
I cannot shake the notion that the reason I felt as I did really should be quite obvious.
I don't know anything 